Through all of the chaos in my life right now, I finally feel at peace. You’re probably thinking “Um, what the heck?! That’s a paradox. That does not make any sense!” Well, in all honesty, it’s the truth.
For the past few weeks, I have been beyond busy and stressed out with school exams and moving to a new house. I didn’t really know how to handle everything and put too much stress on myself. I made a promise to myself that even through all of of the chaos, I would find myself again. For the past 9 months, I was not 100% happy with my life. Primarily, it was because my focus was on pleasing others. In the process of pleasing others, I was blind to seeing how in reality, I was really helping myself by taking those extra steps I was afraid to on my own. I had a motivation. Although it may have not of been the best motivation to have, it still got me to do what I did.
Last Friday, I had a 3 hour and 15 minute AP Exam at 8 a.m. For weeks on end I was stressing myself out more than I really should have. Yes, it’s true that a little stress does help you perform better, but I am talking about full on anxiety here people! If you didn’t know this about me, I have a test phobia. You may be laughing, but it is a real thing. I love learning, and I obtain all of the knowledge provided, but when a test is placed in front of me, anxiety slowly starts creeping up on me and my mind goes blank. Back to the story, I took deep breaths throughout the entire test. I knew if I got a good score on this, I could get some serious college credit! For so long I was studying and practicing repetitively for this exam. I can’t discuss the exam, but when I finished. my mind instantly felt at ease. I felt confident in myself although I was stressing about it.
On Saturday, I had to both move to a new house and attend a three hour prep class at 9 a.m. The class was easy the first week, but as the weeks progress, it starts to get harder. Anyways, I had to get up bright and early and run around packing and loading up the moving truck. Everyone was stressing out and it was just crazy. I was worried I was going to miss the class or come unprepared. Another fact about me is that I have OCD. It developed over time due to all of the stress. I got a majority of the packing complete, I made it to the class, and afterwards, I still had the energy to keep helping my parents move. I’m not going to lie, it was not easy. You’re probably wondering what the heck moving has to do with being at peace? Well, to find my mother and father smiling once we got everything settled in and set up, I knew that things were going to get better. The other house put so many stresses into our life. I know that moving here is a chance to start anew and meet new people. It is going to be a change, but I am ready for a change.
I am also going to confess that recently, my “diet mentality” has come back. I immediately thought about going back to counting macros and pushing some beyond intense workouts again so I could look good in a bikini. My body image and self love was “womp womp” due to stress. I tried it for a day, but that put even more stress on me. I had a long talk with my mom and a long talk with God. Do you know how good it feels to finally open up about something that you’ve been holding in for so long? Yeah, it was that feeling x10000000 (Okay, maybe not that much, but it was pretty darn close!). Anyways, I realized that this stress will pass and so will the negative mentality that has been effecting me. One major stress brought me to a closer relationship to my mom and took my self-love to a whole new level.
In the mist of the chaos, I have made time to go out with friends in the evenings. Seriously, one of the best choices I have made lately. Being with my friends let’s me know that I’m not alone and that all that is going on right now is temporary. I tend to over think and become a “Negative Nancy” when I am by myself. I am not rational. Making that time was hard (when constantly thinking about the exam), but it was well worth it. I had no worries in the time I was with them.
For the rest of the month there is going to be a lot going on, but you know what? I’m ready to face it head on. I was worried about things that I knew I was capable of doing. I was letting the negativity win, because I didn’t allow myself the time to think rationally. All of these stressors have brought more peace into my life. Not primarily the peace as in “Oh, I don’t need to worry about anything!” I am talking about where I am learning new things about myself and what works best for me.
I have to admit, negativity does actually have some positivity to it. It’s how you look at the situation and choose how to deal with it.
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