Over the course of the past few weeks I have had a lot of time to think. Since school has been out for vacation, I have had a lot of free time. With that free time came the time to really evaluate all aspects of my life. For some time now, I have not been feeling 100% myself. Partially I knew it was because of all the stress I brought upon myself with school, but there was another aspect that I only recently discovered.
If you have read my blog for some time now, you know that I have face multiple eating disorders ranging from anorexia, to binging, to overexercising and under eating, to restrictions, to body image, so on and so fourth. I had this ideal image in my head of the “perfect life.” That life mainly revolved around how I looked (how I really wanted to look). You already guessed it.. the skinny girl with the abs, the tight tush, bleach blonde hair, tan skin; the “perfect” image. I would thrive for that with restrictions and beating myself up if I felt as if I didn’t work hard enough. It was only about a year ago that I decided to let go of that image and follow the path to recovery. Recovery was a hell of a journey, and I am still even on that journey. In my head I still configure calories and macros. I thrive to burn the most calories, because now, I eat a lot of food. Food to fuel my body for all that I do. It’s a process. I do freak out sometimes, but hey, that is all apart of the process.
I also recently lost a few dear friends, because they were bringing upon unnecessary negative energy into my life. I made a promise to myself to live a life full of happiness and optimism. It really hurt to let them go, but in all honesty, I needed to in order to make myself happy. I tried to lift them up, but it just was not enough. A huge toll on my heart also took place not too long ago, but like I said, it was for the best. I have shed tears throughout the past few days, my heart does ache, but I know that it was better for both of us. Not every relationship in your life is going to work out. I’m sorry, but it’s just the truth.
Among my teenage years, I’ve carried burden after burden on my back. I have brought upon stress into my life that I didn’t need. I listened to others and let their emotions be the motive to what I did. I lost myself while trying to please others. I’ve made mistakes. I have messed up, a lot. I am not perfect. I am nowhere near perfect. I struggle with day to day things. With all of my mistakes, I have learned so many new lessons. So many lessons that I apply to my everyday life so that I do not make the same mistake again. I’ve gone through trial and error with eating, exercise, learning, relationships, etc. It’s how I’ve grown into who I am today.
After much analyzing and over viewing, I found that I have this big perception and plan of how my life is suppose to go. By now, I planned to of had a good steady job, a car, my license, a whole lot of money saved up, outstanding relationships, etc. You know what? I’ll admit that I do not have most of that. Primarily because it isn’t the right time for me. I have been through so many other things that I needed to focus on first. Those focuses have regarded health, education, family, and myself. I had so many ambitious plans that I set my eye on. I only focused on how I wasn’t achieving those goals rather than looking right in front of me and realizing what I have accomplished already.
I made a promise to myself to live a life in the now. A life where I focus on what will improve my life rather than dwell on what hasn’t already happened. I am choosing happiness. I am choosing self improvement. I am choosing optimism. I am choosing to take control of my life. I have big plans ahead of me, but I have also laid out a plan for the steps along the way. Greatness is to come and I am ready to take the step in the right direction.
-No questions today.. just your thoughts.
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