*Disclaimer: Very personal.*
Dear Past Self,
I’m sorry for all of the pain I’ve put you through.
I’m sorry for the self doubt on your own existence. I’m sorry for the endless regrets and blaming you for everything even when it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry for making you waste endless hours on tracking, planning, and weighing food. You gave in to so many diet fads and lies. I destroyed you, but now I am repairing you. I sorry for the constant beatings I put upon you with endless hours of exercise. I’m sorry for doing 3+ hours a day and still not being satisfied. I fatigued you, I made your bones brittle, your hair fell out, you were told that you looked like you had cancer. I’m sorry for the late night scars across your wrists and waist. You didn’t deserve the physical pain you thought you deserved. I’m sorry for the lethal thoughts of feeling worthless. You are so much more than you could ever image. I’m sorry for giving into the eating disorders, the starvation, the purging, the binging, the picking apart. I’m sorry for the overwhelming sadness of depression. I’m sorry for all of the questioning, the stress, the pressure, the abusive words, giving into the pressure, etc. I am honestly sorry for everything.
I know I’ve put you through hell and back. I know there are scars that are both internal and external that are constant reminders. I know it’s hard to trust people, but there are people that love you. They love you and all of your imperfections. They want you here.. I want you here. You have a mother and father that loves you ever lastingly. Yes, it wasn’t easy back then through the depression, therapy, and disorders, but they never stopped loving you. They were confused and didn’t know what to do. You have a sister that, even though she can make it seem like your life is hell, is proud of you and does not want to lose you. Relationships with siblings are not always easy, but through all the struggles comes a stronger relationship. You have a boyfriend that makes you feel beautiful. He treats you like an absolute princess and loves all of you, even your imperfections. You have friends that are here for you and accept you. You’re living life like you’ve always wanted to.
I cannot express how proud I am of you for fighting like a warrior through an endless amount of battles. There were cuts and bruises given along the way, but you did it. You fought the inner demons, and I know you can do it if they come again. You’ve made an imprint on the lives of so many. You’ve found your aspiration to teach the special needs after college and also those who want to transition into a healthier lifestyle by becoming a personal trainer.
You’re happy and you learned to accept yourself. You’ve learned that the number on the scale does not matter and no numbers define you. You don’t weigh your food, and you are conquering the foods you use to fear. You are living a life of balance, and it is making everyone around you happy. You’re healthy and strong. You’re strong physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I’m not going to promise you that life from here on out is going to be easy, but knowing what you’ve overcome, it’s going to be so much more easier to get through. I cannot even begin to tell you how beautiful you are. There is so much I want to say to you, but just know that I wouldn’t be there person I am today if it wasn’t for you. Thank you.
Love,
Your present self.
lovenataliemarie 